Monday, November 27, 2006

Fat fighters

The concept of exercise is so important that I will most certainly launch a new campaign to make people gleefully aware of the benefits of going that extra step towards keeping themselves healthy. Don't just walk to school: go the wrong way and force yourself to walk further! Cycle in a gear too high for the speed so that you have to put in extra effort!

The name of this campaign? Extracise!

Naturally.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Holiday for two

When I'm Prime Minister I will pass a rule whereby any "competition" that involves the player phoning a number and supplying a code - or similar such games; you know the ones: you scratch off things and get a code or three of the same picture and you win every time and you phone the number and you win a pack of cards - is required to offer for each prize a cash alternative that can never be less than the amount of money spent on the actual phone call. Alternatively, the competition co-ordinators will be required to prove that the chances of winning when you scratch off the panel is equal to the statistical chances of that combination appearing given the nature of the game. Thus any card where you have to find three of the same symbols would have to prove that the chances of finding three of the same symbol in the cards is equal to the chances the statistics, calculated on the number of different symbols and the number of symbols on the card, say they should be.

That should put a stop to it.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

SI go hang

When I'm Prime Minister, the official kilobyte will be 1024 bytes; the official megabyte will be 1024 kilobytes; the official gigabyte will be 1024 megabytes: and so on, until we run out of Greek-etymological prefixes. It will then be illegal to report media storage sizes in any other manner, such as this bizarre practice of having 1000 units per larger unit for marketing purposes, which would then be classed as false advertising.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Weeding out the unsavoury

When I'm Prime Minister this whole cannabis taboo will be ejected. I've had enough. We have people addicted to nicotine and alcohol and yet our one drug that actually makes people peace out is illegal? What other peace-promoting things are illegal? Well we lost the right to protest without a licence recently, that's for sure, even though under European law we all get the right to protest without fear of recrimination. It's a basic human right.

Anyway; cannabis is the least dangerous of our drugs and yet it remains illegal. Why? Well the original reason recalls the slave trade. The slaves would smoke cannabis and so work less; thus it became illegal: since no citizen of England or the US would be caught partaking of a slave habit, it affected none of them.

So I hear.

Regardless: it's a useless restriction. Begone with it.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The C Word

When I'm Prime Minister I will make it illegal to advertise Christmas before November: in fact I will make it illegal to start stocking Christmas stock and making Christmas gestures before November. Also it will be illegal to sing Christmas songs and ask for Christmas presents before November. Anyone caught doing so will be nailed to an evergreen.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Nuisance Lawyers

When I'm Prime Minister it will be punishable to file a nuisance lawsuit. If a lawsuit were to be dismissed on grounds of stupidity or some similar reason, the defending party will be given the opportunity to shoot at close range the prosecutors and the entire legal team on that side.

This brings up the idea of corporal punishment. Perhaps it's a good idea. I'm all for bringing back the stocks. Guards would of course be necessary, but the public humiliation of petty criminals is going to be much more effective than locking them away or telling them off. In fact, punishment of all undesirable habits should be encouraged, because telling people off and locking them away just doesn't get the message across any more.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Equalitarianism

When I'm Prime Minister I will combat discrimination by not recognising any differences and treating all people identicaly. Thus it will be illegal to request any information about anyone that does not pertain to the reason for collecting. Thus, no job application sheet may even request the person's gender, let alone their race or religion. By not recognising that there are different races, so racism is solved: by not recognising that there are two genders (except, of course, where relevant!), so sexism is solved.